A lot was happening that threatened to shipwreck my faith, circumstances that were spiraling out of my control, which caused me to question many of the foundational things I had been taught since childhood.

God was “letting me down.”

After a few difficult years attempting to navigate a doozy of a deconstruction mainly on my own, I approached the Divine and asked Them to teach me about Reality… as if I didn’t already know what that meant. I think God enjoyed that audacious, childlike request! Lady Wisdom began unveiling various facets of beauty that were foreign to my thinking.

She connected me with several faith communities (including some that were online) who were navigating very similar “crashes” in their journeys. This was a wonderful gift for my soul. Wisdom also showed me some amazing images in the realm of science as I studied the Creation—the original scripture. Exploring these images eventually drew me back to a sense of awe and wonder.

And faith.

Previously, I had read hundreds of books, listened to thousands of sermons, and had what I thought was a robust, accurate theology centered in established doctrines of the church. From that self-assured mindset, I only “received” things that reinforced my existing perspectives, and cautious fear kept me from exploring anything outside of my carefully constructed theological mansion.

However, most of my robust, painstakingly built “theological mansion” became completely demolished along the way.

What arose in its place involved less certainty and more mystery, a letting go of my desperate need to have it all figured out, and an openness to discovering what lay ahead. There’s so much I realized that I simply didn’t know, and I had to set many of my “certainties” aside to continue this journey of discovery.

One thing I do know for certain and have become fully persuaded of is this – God is pure Love, and everything else we know about His character… Their character… aligns with Love. My internal portraits of God have become far more beautiful as a result, though I’m well aware that “God” exists light- years beyond my/our most eloquent concepts about Them.

It took me most of my life to realize that God isn’t a bottled genie that promises to take away all of our pain and suffering, a cosmic magician conjuring a lavish life of smooth sailing the whole way home. I have struggled, and still do, with fear, doubt, depression, and apathy.

Though I am sometimes too overwhelmed to think straight, this excruciating process finally brought me to the point where I felt the freedom to admit my pain and weakness, with no need to pretend that I had it all together.

Amid the joy and chaos, and sometimes unspeakable agony of everyday existence, I have tasted of an intoxicating Love I cannot escape or unsee. This Love has become my assurance and hope—a light that shines steadily amidst the shadows floating in and out of my inner being. It is with tender compassion that They suffer with me—and with all who bear Their image.

Take heart, dear friend…God does NOT leave us to wander or suffer alone. Spirit is overjoyed with us as we embark on our journey, because She sees that it’s leading us to discover our True Selves. Within the chaos lies the ultimate Beauty that our soul has been seeking.

I’ve come to view this sometimes-painful process as a “burning away” of all that is not Christ, a simplifying down to the bare essentials, then “reconstructing” our perspectives on the foundation of God’s beautiful character.

And what a true, tender and trustworthy Guide we’ve been given for this burning away; One Who comes to us as the All-Consuming Fire of Holy Love. The journey into the unknown is worth it, for in the darkness, God is waiting…arms wide open and eyes shining with anticipation.

Exodus 20:21 (NLT) “…the people stood at a distance, but Moses approached the Thick Darkness, where God was.”

I’m grateful to be on an infinite journey into the depths of Christ.

Shalom