“Who you are in this moment contains who you were always meant to be; the question is, how much of that are you able – and willing – to see?” – the Seer

This is the opening phrase of a novel I’m writing about a retelling of the fairy tale, The Princess and the Pea. The Seer is asking how much of your potential you are willing to embrace and step into, how much of your truest identity you understand and embrace.

While my book doesn’t touch upon the subject of homosexuality, I’ve noticed a lot of other media talking about it lately: Sitcoms, blog posts, news articles, books, and movies. The topic has been all over the internet as the 2017 Gay Pride Parade marched through New York streets this past weekend. It seems like gender identity is a topic on our collective mind.

As a Christian, it can be hard to know how to feel about this trend. Our favorite characters on TV are so supportive and loving of their gay friends and their partners – isn’t this how Christians should act? What would we rather have them do – excommunicate them?

Some of us are part of Christian communities who support gay marriage, and may even have a gay pastor. Others feel the threat of our cultural values slipping into chaos as the next generation sees homosexuality normalized. And some of us just don’t want to think about it. At all.

Let me tell you about my story. For most of my life, I (like most people in my family and community) believed that homosexuality was a sin, but that God loves the sinner and wants to change their minds about being gay so they can live a happy, heterosexual lifestyle.

Recently, I’ve realized that the issue is not so black-and-white.

It all started when someone I know announced on Facebook that they are about to start hormone therapy to become the opposite gender. They also publicly denounced their Christian family, calling them “transphobic” and talking about the emotional abuse they had received from this family (that I had known and loved). There was also a bitter comments war taking place under this post (of course), between this person, their defenders, and people who were supporting the family. It was hard to read… but I couldn’t look away.

I had known this person was gay, but it took me by surprise that they would want to actually go through the process of changing their gender. To be honest, my strongest feeling in reaction to this post was sorrow. I felt my friend’s pain. We weren’t close, but I still felt sorrow over the pain expressed in the Facebook post about their past, and the uphill battle of their present journey. I felt the family’s grief over essentially having their child turn away from and reject them. I don’t believe that God’s plan for anyone is separation and bitterness but rather restoration and love, so I also felt the Father’s grief at the situation. And I felt confused – confused at the strength of my own feelings and confused about what feelings I was “supposed” to feel.

Next: Enter the Mommy Blogs.

I read a LOT of mommy blogs. I started getting into them when I was pregnant with my daughter, who is now 18 months old. Recently, I’ve been getting some email articles about accepting your child’s gender preference no matter what. Some of the real-life testimonials are about 2-4 year old children telling their parents they are not a boy, they are a girl (or vice versa). And it’s, like, legit. It’s not due to cultural brainwashing; it’s chemical, emotional, and hormonal preference. Here’s the link to one blog post, if you’d like to read it: https://goo.gl/J6W5sr

I’m all for not stereotyping your child and letting girls play with trucks and boys play with dolls. But in this type of situation, the male child wants to be called a “her” and a “daughter,” forever. It really just threw me for a loop.

This changed my perception of what it can mean to be a member of the LGBTQ community. I had read articles before that talked about how there’s a “gay gene” that might give one the tendency to lean toward the opposite gender but that people didn’t always act on it. I realized there could be an aspect of choice and/or a biological aspect to homosexuality. But I didn’t know how extremely young children could feel the urge to make such intense, life-altering gender choices.

Have you ever heard of a hermaphrodite? I first heard this term in college, when my best friend said she was studying them in one of her classes. These are people who have parts of both genders in their anatomy. She said her heart went out to them because it was difficult for them to fit in, or even to know who they were or how they wanted to fit into society. It’s a struggle I had never had to think about before, having taken my gender for granted. Being both genders was not their choice. Some of these beautiful people choose to have corrective surgery to become solely whichever gender they are most, or whichever they most identify as.

Did you know that some people have XX chromosomes and male body parts, or XY chromosomes and female body parts? Check out this article for more information on this (and much more): https://goo.gl/1KYhHE

I don’t know a lot of gay adults, but I do know that every one of them has a different story that led them to where they are now. I think it’s important to hear out those stories and build relationships with each person – children of one Father – rather than labeling ourselves or each other based on where we stand on a social issue or political debate.

How many Christians just want to wrap up the issue of gender confusion or transition nice and neatly in their mind, call it “homosexuality” and never look at it or consider their perspective on it again? How many Christians just want to say, “don’t have sex with the same gender, that’s all there is to it,” and just disregard the fact that GENDER is not always the same as SEX.

All of God’s children have a deep need to know their Father’s love, and we need to have our eyes open to identify each other’s identity issues and love each other no matter what, while challenging each other to be all we were ever meant to be in Christ.

“Who you are in this moment contains who you were always meant to be; the question is, how much of that are you able – and willing – to see?” Who are we, Church? Let’s judge ourselves first. What potential do we have in affecting our culture in this particular time in history?

Let’s think about this: If the child mentioned in the article above came into the Sunday school class that you teach, how would you handle it? What would you do if the parent supported the child’s decision, or if they didn’t? Would you ignore the issue out of fear or indecision, approach the pastor about it, argue with the parents? Or maybe have the family over for dinner and get to know them better?

I believe that the Church, the Body of Christ, which I dearly love, needs to be brave and learn to face and deal with each unique situation in an attitude of familial love. No matter where we stand on a particular issue, we are all children of one Father, and He loves and cherishes us whether we feel the same about Him or not. That makes us family.

I don’t have a lot of answers to my many questions, but I do know I’m going to keep looking for ways to help my brothers and sisters navigate their way through some pretty intense identity questions.

Here are a couple other things I’ve learned:

• Do research to expand your understanding. One thing I can guarantee is that you don’t know everything, no matter which side of the issue you come from. If you’re brave enough, check out this article about one person’s perspective on the difference between gay and queer, and just see what they have to say: https://goo.gl/mb3FoN. It’s important not to read only Church-sanctioned articles and to start purposefully seeing issues from other perspectives, even if it takes us out of our comfort zone.
• “You don’t have to understand the struggle to be supportive.” This is a quote from an article I read from a Christian lesbian who has had trouble finding her place in either community (https://goo.gl/Xqa1Jy). The quote actually brought some peace to my personal confusion, giving me permission to LOVE, regardless of whether I have any answers or not – and you know what? That’s really enough.

We fear what we don’t understand. Let’s not be afraid of having real discussions with real people who may not see life the same way as we do. We need to learn more about what other children of God are going through so that we won’t be afraid of these “gray issues” that make us uncomfortable.

I can assure you, God is not afraid of gender identity issues. He’s already won the Ultimate Victory, and He’s manifesting that victory in people’s lives every day – sometimes in an instant, sometimes through a process.

Agápe love trumps Éros love. No matter what someone’s sexual preference is, it’s God’s Agápe love, often shown through us, that will matter most to their hearts, no matter how they choose to live. And mature, perfect Agápe love casts out fear (1 John 4:18).

I have one final question: Who are YOU? What is your identity in Christ? I know part of my identity is to help others understand the fullness of their own identity in Christ.

“Who you are in this moment contains who you were always meant to be; the question is, how much of that are you able – and willing – to see?” I believe in the potential of my brothers and sisters who currently identify as gay, or who don’t know what their identity is. How much of your own fearless, loving self are you ready to reveal to those around you who are struggling to understand our Father’s love and their own place in it?