Hi there, it’s been a long time for me to get back on the proverbial horse of writing. The thing about writing is that you’ve got to exercise the muscles of mind, soul, spirit, flesh to first formulate thoughts out of the nascent goop of our lived experiences, then see how those things fit into what our perceived purpose is. I’m already starting to get frustrated with my mind on this. (Keep your head down and push through it.) Then rationalize and figure out the best course to tell the story of what happened and why it matters. (You see, I get hung up most on the why it matters part. What does my life have to do with the lives of others? Can I possibly add something that will help them. Why take the time and effort to get something out…? Call me skeptical, but I’m trusting the Lord for most things so why not this? I mean even if it goes horribly wrong, what’s the big deal?) And you see, dear reader, the thing is, just starting to get words out there creates new connections, synapses that may have not fired in ages are energizing, and words, however clumsily, are getting put down on the page. What a catharsis!!!

Now that you’ve had an experience of what goes on in my mind, and what it is like blowing out writer’s cobwebs, let me introduce myself a little to you. Let me be really honest, I don’t know what I am doing, like 95% of the time…correction, 99.98% of the time (kind of skeptical of that number too). Sure, I try to act like I do by putting on a exterior degree of confidence (someone should come up with a deodorant by that name), but internally I’m a fast-moving dumpster fire rolling down the hill towards the fireworks factory. Alright, that’s hyperbole for sure; but a fair picture, nevertheless. The reality is that after my stint in attending two graduate schools, one for history and the other for library science, and having spent the better part of my professional life writing, my mind feels exhausted. Having worked as an adjunct professor teaching large classes of undergrads about Western Civilization and then working to build and maintain complex arrangements of archival records and artifacts, that intellectual side of my brain that saw me through writing masters’ theses (and too many other papers to count) is toast.

So it begs the question…what am I doing here? Well, thanks for sticking around. Despite a successful career in archives, which I have stepped away from, having entered the world of full-time ministry, that imposter syndrome, described above, looms large. Actions I used to make with confidence and certainty, no acting involved, now come with doubts. I hear folks passing comments, and while mostly benign, hit me like a Mack truck. What is going on here? (Not just in this essay, but my life.)

And that’s where He comes in. You know him, that fellow from Nazareth. The one who loves me…mind, body and soul. He has provided for me in many, many ways. More importantly, He told me who I am, and how valuable and precious I am, and that it doesn’t have to with what I do, but who I love; specifically that I love Him. No longer trying to drum up the false confidence of faking it to make it, that if anything I should strive to rest, but don’t fret it if even that becomes difficult. Then He told me to step out of the work He had blessed me with, and go in a different, albeit related direction. I’m not sure what Jesus has in store for me in this life, but it is certainly worth finding out.

Enough about me, dear friend. Do you feel like an imposter sometimes? Do you feel like you just don’t seem to measure up? I’d ask you what are the metrics you’re using for comparison? In Psalm 139, David sings about how God knows us better than ourselves, and that we, “are fearfully and wonderfully made.” You see, you and me are works of divine art, infused with our purpose imprinted on our hearts. When we place our purpose on something higher than ourselves and our labor, we can be imposters no longer. We won’t be faking it. We can go forth with new confidence rooted in Him. This might feel awkward at first, heck, if you recall the first time you got behind the wheel of a car it was awkward to be in control of something with a lot of power. (Wow! What a left turn there, a car really, next to the creator of the universe.) But with more time spent with Him and realizing your true self, the less awkward it will all be.

Dear friend, thank you for reading this, my first entry for Elisha’s Riddle. Just as it was awkward to start off with, I trust you’ll be encouraged if you’ve made it this far. In the future, as I get reacquainted with my mind, we’ll go in different directions. While others here like to look at science and fiction, my interests are primarily in music, history, and philosophy. I aim to write casually and hopefully you won’t mind.

Anyway….be blessed…much love.